Before I started my High School, I hated myself very much. My family brought me up very well and wanted me to get award every year and my sisters are so smart and so excellent in exams. They were on the top level in every year and awarded by School that made my parent proud and that make a lot of pressure for me. I wanted to be liked my sisters, I only wanted to see my parent's happiness.
When I started 9Th Standard, I have very few friends. I was so ugly, so skinny and dark. I don’t’ understand why I look so ugly and kept thinking that why only me got this appearance. Life is totally not fair. My hair is curly, my eyes are so sleepy. and I was god damn skinny like a stick. In education, even though I don’t want to let my family down, I did not qualify to go to Institutes. So I ended up in Yangon Art and Science University.
Living in abroad without job is often triggered by stress and loneliness. Most of us become depressed for the first time in their lives, so they don't immediately recognize it as depression. As you left home country you do need to adopt some changes, for instance, cultural adjustment, weather and food and etcetera. Apart from that we have freedom which we never get it in our home land.
I have found myself depressed several times. I have been waiting to achieve my goal for several years and this has made me angry with myself for not completing it sooner. Destitution also caused my depression. I have friends who have settled, employed and helped to relatives, this makes me sick and given up. So far, I can neither help other nor myself. I feel so guilty, even though I know people need my help. I am struggling to survive myself.
At the time being, I don’t want to go to college to study. I am waiting a letter which will come through the door. I have been depressing for ages ago. How do I overcome this feeling? Two weeks ago, I spent some money to treat myself, I cut my hair, I ate good food, I brought flowers, I bought scandals for summer and I bought some cotton tops without looking back my budget. I buy some cooking utensil and I took taxi to go home for a couple of time because I cannot remember how to go back to my new accommodation. Finally I ended up destitute for the following weeks. And I feel regret for being selfish.
In fact, I don't isolate myself, I tried to regularly see my friends and wrote some blogs which I interested in. I scheduled some fun activities into my calendar. Despite focusing on my depression, I try to focus on practising and saving strength into studying. But in reality, I cannot focus what I am doing. I hate myself, and I hate all human being. I am so depressed. I don’t want help from people. I am not fit in the society because I forget quite often even though I tried very hard. I have a plan to go to Liverpool as an extra curricula activity from College. You know what! even though I paid for the coach, I don't want to go. I felt like I am stuck at the middle of the nightmare.
I hate my ability, I hate my life and I hate my mentality.I haven’t learned to keep a balance in my life and I never tried to learn it. Anyway, I hate myself for being weak.