Sunday 6 June 2010

DEPRESSION

Before I started my High School, I hated myself very much. My family brought me up very well and wanted me to get award every year and my sisters are so smart and so excellent in exams. They were on the top level in every year and awarded by School that made my parent proud and that make a lot of pressure for me. I wanted to be liked my sisters, I only wanted to see my parent's happiness.

When I started 9Th Standard, I have very few friends. I was so ugly, so skinny and dark. I don’t’ understand why I look so ugly and kept thinking that why only me got this appearance. Life is totally not fair. My hair is curly, my eyes are so sleepy. and I was god damn skinny like a stick. In education, even though I don’t want to let my family down, I did not qualify to go to Institutes. So I ended up in Yangon Art and Science University.

Living in abroad without job is often triggered by stress and loneliness. Most of us become depressed for the first time in their lives, so they don't immediately recognize it as depression. As you left home country you do need to adopt some changes, for instance, cultural adjustment, weather and food and etcetera. Apart from that we have freedom which we never get it in our home land.

I have found myself depressed several times. I have been waiting to achieve my goal for several years and this has made me angry with myself for not completing it sooner. Destitution also caused my depression. I have friends who have settled, employed and helped to relatives, this makes me sick and given up. So far, I can neither help other nor myself. I feel so guilty, even though I know people need my help. I am struggling to survive myself.

At the time being, I don’t want to go to college to study. I am waiting a letter which will come through the door. I have been depressing for ages ago. How do I overcome this feeling? Two weeks ago, I spent some money to treat myself, I cut my hair, I ate good food, I brought flowers, I bought scandals for summer and I bought some cotton tops without looking back my budget. I buy some cooking utensil and I took taxi to go home for a couple of time because I cannot remember how to go back to my new accommodation. Finally I ended up destitute for the following weeks. And I feel regret for being selfish.

In fact, I don't isolate myself, I tried to regularly see my friends and wrote some blogs which I interested in. I scheduled some fun activities into my calendar. Despite focusing on my depression, I try to focus on practising and saving strength into studying. But in reality, I cannot focus what I am doing. I hate myself, and I hate all human being. I am so depressed. I don’t want help from people. I am not fit in the society because I forget quite often even though I tried very hard. I have a plan to go to Liverpool as an extra curricula activity from College. You know what! even though I paid for the coach, I don't want to go. I felt like I am stuck at the middle of the nightmare.
I hate my ability, I hate my life and I hate my mentality.I haven’t learned to keep a balance in my life and I never tried to learn it. Anyway, I hate myself for being weak.

6 comments:

  1. ဖိုးတက္7 June 2010 at 03:43

    ဘယ္သူမွ ဒုကၡ ကင္းတာမရွိဘူးဟ။ ကိုယ္ထက္ဆိုးတဲ့ ဘ၀ ေတြကို ျပန္ၾကည့္လိုက္ရင္ နဲနဲေတာ့ ျငိမ္းခ်မ္းတာပဲ။ ဒါေပမဲ့ ထံုးစံအတိုင္း ကိုယ့္ထက္ ဆိုးေနရင္ေတာင္ ကိုယ့္ေလာက္ မဆိုးဘူးလို ့ ေတြးတတ္တာလဲ လူျဖစ္ေနလို့ ့ ပဲ။ ေနာက္ဆံုး ဘယ္လိုမွ ေတြးမရရင္ ေကာင္းေကာင္း မြန္မြန္ အသက္ရွင္ေနတာ ထက္ဘယ္ဟာမွ ပိုမေကာင္း ႏိုင္ဘူးလို ့ ေတြးၾကည့္ရင္ ေတာ္ေတာ္ ကို အဆင္ေျပ သြားတတ္ ပါ၏။

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  2. စိတ္ဓါတ္မက်ပါနဲ ့ေလ....နင္ဟာဘယ္တုန္းကမွ selfish မၿဖစ္ခဲ့ပါဘူး...အထင္လဲမေသးပါနဲ ့....နင္ဦးေဆာင္လို ့..ငါအလုပ္ရခဲ့တာေတြ...ၿပန္သတိရပါ...နင္ေဆာက္ေပးတဲ့အိမ္မွာ...ေအးေအးခ်မ္းခ်မ္း..တမိသားစုလံုးေနေနၾကတာ ေတြးရင္း၀မ္းသာပါ။ နင္မစြမ္းေဆာင္ေနေသးဘူးဆိုတာ...အခိုက္အတန္ ့....အခ်ိန္ပိုင္းေလးပါ....တခါတေလ..စိတ္ေက်နပ္မွဴအတြက္..ကိုယ္သံုးခ်င္တာေလးေတြ၀ယ္သံုးတာလဲ...မွန္တဲ့နည္းလမ္းပါ...ဘာမွေနာင္တရစရာမရွိ.....နင့္ေမွ်ာ္လင့္ေနတဲ ့...အနာဂတ္တံခါး..မၾကာခင္ပြင့္ေတာ့မွာဘဲ...ဘာမွ..စိတ္မညစ္ပါနဲ ့။ ငါတို ့မိသားစုထဲမွာ..နင္ဟာ.ေက်ာင္းတုန္း က အဆင့္ ၁ ၂ ၃ ထဲမွာမ၀င္ခဲ့ေပမဲ ့...နင္ဟာ..ငါ့ထက္အမ်ားၾကီးထက္ၿမက္တဲ ့မိန္းမဆိုတာ..တအိမ္လံုးသိပါဧ။္ အိမ္မွာလည္း နင္ဟာ...HERO ၿဖစ္ေနဆဲပါ....ေကာင္းတာေလးေတြစဥ္းစားၿပီး....အဆင္ေၿပေအာင္ေနပါ။....ငါရွိပါတယ္...ဘာမွ...စိတ္ဓါတ္မက်ပါနဲ ့။

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  3. ကိုယ္႔မိသားစုနဲ႔ေ၀း၇ာကိုေရာက္ေနတဲ႔ သူတိုင္းအျမဲၾကံဳေတြ႔ရတဲ႔ အရာပါ.. ကိုယ္ကိုယ္တိုင္လည္းခံစားဘူးတဲ႔အတြက္ ကိုယ္ခ်င္းစာနားလည္ပါတယ္. ဒါေပမယ္႔ ကိုယ္႔ကိုယ္ ကို DEPRESSION ၀င္ေနတယ္လို႔ သိတဲ႔အတြက္ ငါအေျခအေနအရမ္းမဆိုးေသးဘူးလို႔မွတ္လိုက္ပါ...
    ေလာကၾကီးက ကိုယ္ျဖစ္ခ်င္တာေတြသာျဖစ္လာမယ္ဆိုရင္ ဘယ္မွာအဓိပါယ္ရွိပါေတာ႔မလဲ..ဘ၀မွာ ရုန္းကန္လွဳပ္ရွားေလ ကိုယ္႔ရဲ႔ ABILITY ေတြတက္လာေလပါ...LIFE IS FULL OF CHALLENGE. LIFE IS STRUGGLE. ဆိုတဲ႔စကားေလးေတြကိုေမ႔မထားနဲ႔ေလ...တခါတေလ ဒါလားဟဲ႔ ေလာကဓံဆိုျပီး ေခါင္းေမာ႔ ဟားတိုက္ရီေမာျပီး ရင္ဆိုင္လိုက္ပါ.. ဘယ္အရာမွတသားမတ္တည္းမရွိပါဘူး..ကိုယ္႔ရဲ႔ အနာဂတ္နဲ႔ ကိုယ္႔ရဲ႔ ရည္မွန္းခ်က္ဟာ ကိုယ္႔အေပၚမွာဘဲမူတည္ပါတယ္. ကိုယ္က စိတ္ဓါတ္က်အရွဳံးေပးရင္ ကိုယ္ရွံုးမွာဘဲ. ကိုယ္က ထိပ္တိုက္ရင္ဆိုင္လိုက္ရင္ ကိုယ္အနိုင္ရမွာဘဲ.. အေရးၾကီးတာက စိတ္ဓါတ္ဘဲေလ..
    လူတိုင္းအားလံုးအဆင္ေျပေအာင္ျမင္ေနတယ္လို႔မထင္ပါနဲ႔. လူတိုင္းလူတို္င္းမွာ သူ႔အခက္အခဲ သူ႔ ေသာကနဲ႔ သူတို႔ဘာသာသူတို႔ရဳန္းကန္ေနရတာပါဘဲ.. ငါတေယာက္တည္းမဟုတ္ဘူးလို႔စိတ္ထဲေတြးထားလိုက္ပါ.. ကိုယ္႔ထက္ဆိုးတဲ႔သူေတြတပံုၾကီးပါဘဲ..ဒါဆိုကိုယ္နည္းနည္းစိတ္သက္သာရာ ရပါတယ္..အဓိကက ကိုယ္ဘာလုပ္လုပ္ ေစတနာထားျပီး အေကာင္းဆံုးျဖစ္ေအာင္လုပ္မယ္လိဳ႔ဆံုးျဖတ္ထားရင္ တခ်ိန္မွာကိုယ္႔ေစတနာက ကိုယ္႔ကိုျပန္အက်ိဳးေပးလာမွာပါ.. စိတ္ဓါတ္မက်ပါနဲ႔.. ကိုယ္႔ ကိုယ္ကိုသာလ်ွင္ MOTIVATE လုပ္နိုင္တာပါ...ျဖစ္နိုင္ရင္ေတာ႔ တေန႔ နာရီ၀က္ေလာက္တရားထိုင္ၾကည္႔ပါလား...ဒါမွမဟုတ္အားကစားေလး နည္းနည္းလုပ္ၾကည္႔ေလ..စိတ္ဓါတ္မက်ပါနဲ႔.ေအာင္ျမင္မွဳေတြက မလြဲမေသြကိုယ္႔ရွိေရာက္လာမွာပါ.. စိတ္ရွည္ဖို႔ေတာ႔လိုတာေပါ႔ေနာ္....

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  4. I would like to share my views about your depression. As you aware everybody have some problem but we always try to close the issues by fiding the ways. If you notice that so many people are behind us or lower level then you in this world but still they are also trying to enjoy the life.

    a small small feeling s and comparision with others only bring you upto this high level even for me its my dream to see londan from young age.But with god wish and your hard work lead you to reach this level. We have to thanks god that he give us good health and physical fitness.With this u can achieve everything i hope that you will get all your happiness in your life.Pl avoid depression and think positive.

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  5. ဖိုးတက္7 June 2010 at 16:49

    ဘာမွ ဓါတ္က် မေနနဲ ့ ေဟ့။ အဆင္ေျပေတာ့မွာပဲ။ စိတ္ညစ္ေၾကာင္းသာ အျပန္ျပန္မေတြးရင္ နဲနဲစီ ေလ်ာ့သြား လိမ့္မယ္။ သြားခ်င္တဲ့ ေနရာ သြားျပီး စားခ်င္တာေတြ စားပစ္လိုက္ေဟ့။ ျပီးရင္ အိပ္ေရး၀၀ အိပ္။ ျပန္အိုေက သြားလိမ့္မယ္။

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  6. ရိုးရိုး7 June 2010 at 22:17

    Dear all,

    Thank you very much indeed for suggestions and encouragement.

    With warm regards,

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